Nice Break

Basketball season officially ended about two weeks ago and it has been so nice to have some free evenings and weekends. We were able to have a nice quick two night trip to Minnesota where the boys were able to see a Timberwolves vs Golden State NBA game and had lots of fun swimming and hanging out at the Mall of America. It was such a nice little family break and then I was able to spend the rest of spring break home with them hanging out and doing little fun activities. Tonight we had baseball sign up and in the next few weeks Spring football starts. Back to crazy nights and weekends of two sport seasons and being on the run. It has been so much fun watching the boys grow this year and develop into wanting to do sports and team activities and work so hard at everything they are doing. They have both made tons of friends and sports have really given them more confidence I feel especially being new to the school this year. If there is ever a day they don't want do to sports I will be sad but until them we will support them in the things they want to try and to stay active. Payton had great conferences and we are really proud his reading has improved over this year and he is on track. Parker also had great conferences and with his IEP in place he has been doing really well. I keep waiting for the ball to drop and something happen but he amazes me with how far he has came socially this year adapting with the many changes this year has brought. I can't say enough how much I appreciate our school and the resources and positive support we have received. We have lots of fun planned for the summer and lots of chaos as well :). Until then I have learned over this past year to not dwell on the past, enjoy the present and be positive with whatever the future brings. On a side note we got notification that Presley got placed for 4 year preschool at the same school the boys are at which is great, one year where all three kids will be in one building!

Brighter Days

I realize its been awhile since an update but between work, school, and basketball things have been crazy! Payton has been averaging 3 games a weekend with basketball and Parker typically has a game as well each weekend. The boys have had such an awesome basketball season but I am so ready for it to slow down a bit. They both really developed a passion for basketball and each day their skill and knowledge of the sport amazes me! Next up is Spring Football and then baseball starts which leads right into Fall football which then turns in to basketball again. I think in my mind a lot I wish they weren't so involved then I quickly remember how I do not want idle kids and we have so much fun as a family watching them each play. Conferences are coming up and I am actually excited to see how they are doing. Payton has adjusted so well to his new school this year and its fun to see him experience different classes and people. He came home today so excited he got a perfect score on his Spanish test---to me I was surprised because I didn't get Spanish until high school and at their school its starts in Preschool! Parker has been doing really well overall. Every week he has some minor bumps but what we have all noticed is that they are not nearly to the degree they were this fall but much less intense and he can actually get back on track fairly quickly. We got his IEP plan in place and I have a whole new respect for public education. Prairie has been so supportive, compassionate, patient, and such an advocate for our family. By having an IEP-something we never knew much about- he is getting 30 minutes a day of one one one special instruction on challenging school work and personal social skills. He still meets weekly with his counselor which he looks forward to and we have noticed a whole new attitude towards his new school this year. Today he had a few bumps but then he came home and was in a great mood about how he turned it around and then did his homework without any trouble and even sat and did a puzzle with me. I know we have challenges ahead at some point I am sure but I am so thankful we have started to get our son back. We have many things to look forward to coming up, spring break we are taking the boys to a NBA basketball game and taking the three of them to the Mall of America, we have the summer to plan for and finally settling into a nice routine. Also, next month our Miss Presley turns 4...so hard to believe!

Update

So I have thought about writing an update for days now. The weird thing is that everything is actually going well for the kids -especially Parker, but yet I am scared to write that because...maybe it will jinx things? I know that seems silly. Since my last post things have been going really well. We have only gotten one call to pick Parker up after he got upset and didn't want to ride the bus, but we realized it was a late start day and Jeremy thought I have him his morning meds but I thought he was so he didn't get them..whoops! We officially had our IEP evaluation result meeting last week and it went well, he qualified and we go back in two weeks to sign the final drafts. It has been such a relief things have been going well at school because work and life is crazy without all that extra stress.
Report cards came for both boys and they both are actually doing pretty well. Payton and Parker have been been enjoying basketball and got signed up for spring and fall football leagues. We were able to get Presley registered for 4 year old preschool at Prairie which we are excited for, we will have one year (next year) where all three kids will be in one building! Life is good...busy....but good.

Testing Results Are In.

A few weeks ago I took Parker back to his doctor to meet a psychologist who was going to do some psychological testing to help us get further answers. Today I went to meet with him to review the results. Some things I was surprised about and others not so much. His main diagnosis is Anxiety. I knew that, he does not do well with change, he worries about failing at things and has always been anxious especially when it comes to school. The next diagnoses is Depression. I was a little shocked and maybe its because on paper it seems real. I know that he is tearful easily and he reports that he gets sad and misses his old school and on days where his behaviors are challenging he cries that no one likes him. He has lots of friends, he excels in sports, its hard to see your second grader with a diagnosis of depression because it looks so different than what I think of as depression-which is more of an adult problem -or so it isn't. The last diagnosis was Oppositional Defiant Disorder-ODD. I figured. He has always been tempermental since he was little and does not do well when he feels he does not have control but once again, it is sad to see it actually documented. I fear that we won't get it under control and his future is in jeopardy as an adult. I was reassured that we are doing everything we can and children with ODD if caught early enough can learn to rewire his brain in regards to his way or the highway and the good news is he does fairly well at home with Jeremy and myself and school is mainly the issue. I will say since starting the Risperdal along with the Buspar he has really been doing better. He still is having some oppositional or avoidance like behaviors with tasks at school and has only had a few melt downs but he has not been anywhere near the point he was prior. Before we were going out every other day to get him or calm him down and now we have been out once only because he was crying and upset and it was time to get on the bus and he wouldn't. He hasn't tried to hurt himself or others and has been much less destructive to property at school when he is upset. He is actually back in his main classroom the majority of time with built in breaks and continues to do counseling weekly. Thursday Jeremy and I go in to find out the results of his IEP evaluation and what services it would include if he qualifies. I never in a million years thought we would be dealing with any of this. It not only breaks my hurt but makes me worry daily how he is doing. It is almost some days to the point I just want him home all the time because I know he will be fine then, but, thats not the answer. Parker tested average to above average on intellect on his psychological testing and that we are thankful for, he is very bright, loving child and I do not ever want him to loose that. More to update later this week after our meeting with his doctor on Thursday and the school IEP meeting.

Giving Thanks and Birthdays!

After celebrating a wonderful Thanksgiving with our friends and family today we had the blessing to celebrate our boys' birthdays with their friends. We were able to rent out Bender Pool and had friends from their classes and basketball teams. We were even able to invite some family friends and family to the party. The kids all played so well can made out pretty good!

Throughout the break we have kept a close eye on Parker and notice off the zoloft he has still been quick to become upset and overly emotional, nothing to the extreme of what has happened at school but enough we are somewhat worried about how next week will go after break. We decided tonight to start the Risperidal so we can observe him ourself on this new medication rather than having to start mid week and not knowing exactly how he acts on it during the day. So, he had his first dose tonight. More to come on that I guess over the next week.

Tomorrow is going to be a day of relaxing together and working on the endless boxes still needing unpacked and a house that still needs decorated. Its amazing how when you add in school, work, day to day stress, basketball tournaments and practices and the basic weekly needs of running a house hold that even a Type A person like myself looses the motivation to truely unpack. I am not sure if I am just tired from everything, I am starting to relax when possible and do not want to do anything but that when I finally have a second, or if I am not mentally prepared to claim our new normal-even if I am happy about our new home.

It was also nice this weekend that Jeremy and I even got a few nights to ourselves finally, something that never happens. My parents took the kids home Thanksgiving evening and we got them back this afternoon before their party. Jeremy and I were able to go shopping a bit, go out to eat, hang out and enjoy spending time together...something that we take for granted with everything we have going on in our lives. I am so thankful for everything we have in life and the people who are in it.  Things to remember, just breathe and be thankful.

A New Normal

I have had this blog for quite sometime now. It all started when I was on bedrest 8 years ago expecting our second child Parker. Payton was nearing one and Presley was not even thought of. Today Payton recently turned 9, Parker 8, and Presley is 3. Time flies when your having fun......and drags when your not.

So much has changed over the last several years. Heck, things have changed a lot. I started my job as a Nurse Practitioner in a busy family practice clinic. My husband started a business, we have moved many times and have been part of two schools for our children. This year was a major change for our family as we left a private school and enrolled our children into the public school system. Presley briefly went to the private summer school but recently this fall returned to her previous daycare. Jeremy and I work and between the five of us our schedules can be pretty intense.

Recently our most challenging times I feel is our present time. It makes me sad to even write about our struggles but I hope not only to be able to get it out in a way I can learn to cope with the stressors of today but also to hopefully look back and see our struggles are behind and our future is bright.

Our dear Parker. He is so smart, I mean really smart. He is so kind and inquisitive and all boy. I love it. He has always been passionate about everything. I mean everything. We used to always brush off his mini tantrums and emotions as just being Parker. So much so that I wonder had we missed something that we are paying for now? It all started in Kindergarten where we began getting phone calls by a (almost ready to retire) frustrated teacher of a class with more boys than girls and boys who were a handful. She kept saying he won't sit still, he won't listen, etc. I made excuses and got frustrated but kept moving on. That summer he went back to his old daycare with his siblings for the summer program and we had a pretty uneventful summer. First grade returned and we went thru the year with really not struggles, no major phone calls, no major concerns. We thought everything was fine. Come last summer, at the private summer program we were getting phone calls, messages, notes all about how he doesn't listen, how we was easily upset and had his feelings hurt and would walk away or try to hide. We also learned of some bullying he was being a victim to, including being locked in a ball closet by other children. It escalated so much so that towards the middle of summer he got upset at a child who was witnessed to have been picking on him that he lashed out and wanted to fight him, something we have NEVER seen in our son. They asked him to leave and not return for the summer. Luckily at the time our daycare where our daughter was at was willing to let us return for the remainder of summer. At that point we didn't feel like we had a home within the private school we had invested so much love and money into for our children. At this same time with the opportunity to move into the school district we wanted and to an acreage we knew it was a sign that we had to jump on it and move. So in a matter of a month our children switched summer programs, we enrolled them to start school in August in public school and we moved into our new home. A lot of change for all. The kids rode the bus from the before/after program at the daycare then were at. IT seemed that Parker started out struggling to fit into a bigger school, around more kids, stricter schedules and more adults around. He began crumbling in the afternoons, so much so that he would run outside to the playground to get away when he was upset but that only caused fear in the daycare that he was a liability and they asked him to leave and not return. In a matter of a few months two major systems in our life let us down and gave up.

Things have only continued. He has been on sertraline (zoloft) for his anxiety for well over a year. Never sure if it was working or not we continued it under our doctor's care. This year we even had propranolol added on twice a day to help him stay calm. Once again, not sure it did anything. We adapted everything so the boys could ride the bus from our home where Jeremy gets them on and grandma is here when they get off the bus. This has been great and is nice to eliminate the before and after care cost as well and cuts down on the stress for Parker. However, his days at school have only declined. He has progressively over the last month or so began having angry outbursts, tearful fits of anger and sadness, feeling like he doesn't fit in. He has tried to run away several times in the midst of his breakdowns and has also been very destructive to the school property when he is upset. This is not our son. This has never been our son. We live in a constant state of worry and personally a constant state of sadness wondering why we can't fix our child's problems. The thing that bothers me the most is that its mainly only at school. He has never been hurtful, aggressive, destructive or unsafe with us. Its only at school . The school has been amazing. We have so many resources. They are constantly trying to support our son at school and even at home. After the many phone calls and doctor's visits we were then prescribed a THIRD med to help our child stay calm and functionable...Buspar. This is for anxiety and is supposed to be a calming agent. With three meds on board things continued to escalate. I have been to the school twice to get him and intervene when they called in a panic and when I arrived he was in the safety/seclusion room. Something that still takes my breath away thinking back to those moments. Seeing your child crumpled crying in the corner of a small room is heartbreaking. Both times he almost instantly calmed on my arrival. Once again, not knowing how to fix it or lessen the trauma is a battle I fight within myself daily. Recently, with one of those times of being called and after he in a moment of pure anxiety and anger ran out of the building and across the street and only after being brought back inside having your second grader scream he wanted to die was the day we saw the look of true concern from our doctor (psychiatrist) and was sent to the ER thinking he would be admitted. To walk your child to the ER during a moment of true fight or flight mode internally (Parker) was devastating. Having three security guards help coral this 60 some pound child into the room and try to keep him calm was terrifying and exhausting. Feeling like a failure as a mother. Feeling as if I am powerless.....helping treat patients each and every day in my practice but unable to help my own son. Like always, in the ER after some time passed and even after he decided to make friends with the security guards were we sent home, he was no longer having thoughts of harm, was calm and smiling. Throughout all this our only diagnosis is anxiety. Both his own primary psychiatrist and the consulting ER psychiatrist stressed they felt he only met criteria for anxiety/panic disorder. They say fits of rage and the running (from school only) are characteristics of extreme anxiety and emotional dysregulation. He does not have ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) because he does not meet the criteria as he has remorse for how he acts once back to baseline and he is never that extreme in other environments but school. He is too young to diagnosis bipolar. He is not depressed. I don't want my son to BE a diagnosis but I so badly want to know what his challenges are so we can help him.
After further discussion with his doctor we decided over the last week to wean off the sertraline as it has side effects of anger and irritability in children. We stopped the propranolol as it was doing nothing. He remains only on the Buspar. I do think the Buspar has helped some but it does not seem to last long in his system (he takes twice a day) and doesn't seem to matter if the switch flips in his mind and it then does nothing to keep him calm. I have noticed since being of the sertraline since last Thursday evening he has been more emotional at home, tearful, more sensitive, and sometimes just down right irritable. His sleep has been a bit off. Monday was another phone call of him falling apart with about an hour left in the day, luckily the school is aware of med changes and Jeremy volunteered to leave to get him before he escalates too much given we are not sure how the med change would go and he was already missing school if he wasn't at his baseline mentally. Yesterday, his brother upset him on the bus and he refused to get off, when they got him off at school he was extremely upset, pushed over a table and once again Jeremy had to get him, an hour into his day.
I am tired, I am sad, I am angry, I feel defeated. Not knowing every day I am working or away from my child if something will happen or that dreaded number will come up on my phone. Thank goodness I have a strong husband and we have a supportive family. Jeremy has been on the frontlines just as much as I have showing up to school only to see your son fall apart. The doctor told us the next step, if going back to school next week goes bad and we know the medication is out of his system, we will have to start him on Risperdal....an antipsychotic. This comes with risks to his long term health (diabetes, weight gain, heart problems, etc) and the fear that I will loose my son to a sedating powerful drug. While it may be his saving grace to help calm him enough to learn how to cope with his emotions it also has the potential for him to become "like a zombie for awhile" while he adjusts according to his doctor. I don't know the answer, I fear the future, I fear the present.
I have had to open up to some of my work family as I have had to leave suddenly during the day and have came and left work with tears over my son. Everyone has been so supportive. Work has been so accommodating. Family is constantly asking what they can do. The school is exhausting everything they can to try to support our son. The problem is , no one gets it who isn't living this. Its exhausting to share the details and as a mother there is shame. Shame in the sense that I can't fix my son, shame that I feel like I have to "fix" him, shame in feeling inadequate. Shame in seeing my own mind wander in the sadness throughout everything. I am so tired. I know he is tired. I know our family is tired.
Payton luckily has been holding up well, he still is the big brother who likes to mess with his little brother but then he is also the big brother who so badly wants his little brother to be okay and to help him. Luckily with how close have been working with the school they have been very supportive for Payton. I know he hurts but won't say, I only hope he realizes how special he is and he is the brother, not the parent. Thankfully Presley only being 3 also doesn't notice much. At home, things are pretty calm and normal. Which in that, I am thankful for. I am thankful for a husband who stays strong for me even when I know he is hurting. I am thankful he takes my feelings of everything being out of control and anger at the world over everything and tries to be my steady rock.
I know throughout all of this, our family will become stronger. We will prevail. As Parker says all the time to me " tomorrow is a new day", a statement his school tells him everyday, even when he has had major struggles. Every night my children kiss us goodnight, want to snuggle, and say I love you. That is what keeps me going. That and trying to educate myself to be the best advocate I can be for my children and their future. I am not sure if I will ever actually post this entry or if one day I will feel strong enough to. However it sure does feel good to get it out. I am going to try to continue to be positive every day, continue to watch my children grow, watch them participate in activities they enjoy and try to be the wife my husband deserves.

The Dreaded Exam

On May 9th, I graduated from Allen College with my post-master's certificate as a Family Nurse Practitioner. In order to practice, I need to pass a national certification exam. I have scheduled the exam but am not telling anyone exactly when I am taking it. I am so scared of failing! I passed grad school with straight A's and had no problems there but since I have been doing all these review questions from test prep books I am failing them! From what I read people say the review questions are harder than the actual exam, however, I still feel like I am so not ready. But, I don't want to wait too long before taking it because I want everything to be fresh still. Ugh! I hate taking tests and am so glad this is the last one I will have to take! I have also had a job offer and they are waiting to do a contract until I pass my exam, but I haven't told them I have scheduled it yet because I do not want them asking me about it right away especially if I don't pass. So much stress I am so over it and ready for vacation!! Well, enough rambling, I better get back to studying!!!