I have had this blog for quite sometime now. It all started when I was on bedrest 8 years ago expecting our second child Parker. Payton was nearing one and Presley was not even thought of. Today Payton recently turned 9, Parker 8, and Presley is 3. Time flies when your having fun......and drags when your not.
So much has changed over the last several years. Heck, things have changed a lot. I started my job as a Nurse Practitioner in a busy family practice clinic. My husband started a business, we have moved many times and have been part of two schools for our children. This year was a major change for our family as we left a private school and enrolled our children into the public school system. Presley briefly went to the private summer school but recently this fall returned to her previous daycare. Jeremy and I work and between the five of us our schedules can be pretty intense.
Recently our most challenging times I feel is our present time. It makes me sad to even write about our struggles but I hope not only to be able to get it out in a way I can learn to cope with the stressors of today but also to hopefully look back and see our struggles are behind and our future is bright.
Our dear Parker. He is so smart, I mean really smart. He is so kind and inquisitive and all boy. I love it. He has always been passionate about everything. I mean everything. We used to always brush off his mini tantrums and emotions as just being Parker. So much so that I wonder had we missed something that we are paying for now? It all started in Kindergarten where we began getting phone calls by a (almost ready to retire) frustrated teacher of a class with more boys than girls and boys who were a handful. She kept saying he won't sit still, he won't listen, etc. I made excuses and got frustrated but kept moving on. That summer he went back to his old daycare with his siblings for the summer program and we had a pretty uneventful summer. First grade returned and we went thru the year with really not struggles, no major phone calls, no major concerns. We thought everything was fine. Come last summer, at the private summer program we were getting phone calls, messages, notes all about how he doesn't listen, how we was easily upset and had his feelings hurt and would walk away or try to hide. We also learned of some bullying he was being a victim to, including being locked in a ball closet by other children. It escalated so much so that towards the middle of summer he got upset at a child who was witnessed to have been picking on him that he lashed out and wanted to fight him, something we have NEVER seen in our son. They asked him to leave and not return for the summer. Luckily at the time our daycare where our daughter was at was willing to let us return for the remainder of summer. At that point we didn't feel like we had a home within the private school we had invested so much love and money into for our children. At this same time with the opportunity to move into the school district we wanted and to an acreage we knew it was a sign that we had to jump on it and move. So in a matter of a month our children switched summer programs, we enrolled them to start school in August in public school and we moved into our new home. A lot of change for all. The kids rode the bus from the before/after program at the daycare then were at. IT seemed that Parker started out struggling to fit into a bigger school, around more kids, stricter schedules and more adults around. He began crumbling in the afternoons, so much so that he would run outside to the playground to get away when he was upset but that only caused fear in the daycare that he was a liability and they asked him to leave and not return. In a matter of a few months two major systems in our life let us down and gave up.
Things have only continued. He has been on sertraline (zoloft) for his anxiety for well over a year. Never sure if it was working or not we continued it under our doctor's care. This year we even had propranolol added on twice a day to help him stay calm. Once again, not sure it did anything. We adapted everything so the boys could ride the bus from our home where Jeremy gets them on and grandma is here when they get off the bus. This has been great and is nice to eliminate the before and after care cost as well and cuts down on the stress for Parker. However, his days at school have only declined. He has progressively over the last month or so began having angry outbursts, tearful fits of anger and sadness, feeling like he doesn't fit in. He has tried to run away several times in the midst of his breakdowns and has also been very destructive to the school property when he is upset. This is not our son. This has never been our son. We live in a constant state of worry and personally a constant state of sadness wondering why we can't fix our child's problems. The thing that bothers me the most is that its mainly only at school. He has never been hurtful, aggressive, destructive or unsafe with us. Its only at school . The school has been amazing. We have so many resources. They are constantly trying to support our son at school and even at home. After the many phone calls and doctor's visits we were then prescribed a THIRD med to help our child stay calm and functionable...Buspar. This is for anxiety and is supposed to be a calming agent. With three meds on board things continued to escalate. I have been to the school twice to get him and intervene when they called in a panic and when I arrived he was in the safety/seclusion room. Something that still takes my breath away thinking back to those moments. Seeing your child crumpled crying in the corner of a small room is heartbreaking. Both times he almost instantly calmed on my arrival. Once again, not knowing how to fix it or lessen the trauma is a battle I fight within myself daily. Recently, with one of those times of being called and after he in a moment of pure anxiety and anger ran out of the building and across the street and only after being brought back inside having your second grader scream he wanted to die was the day we saw the look of true concern from our doctor (psychiatrist) and was sent to the ER thinking he would be admitted. To walk your child to the ER during a moment of true fight or flight mode internally (Parker) was devastating. Having three security guards help coral this 60 some pound child into the room and try to keep him calm was terrifying and exhausting. Feeling like a failure as a mother. Feeling as if I am powerless.....helping treat patients each and every day in my practice but unable to help my own son. Like always, in the ER after some time passed and even after he decided to make friends with the security guards were we sent home, he was no longer having thoughts of harm, was calm and smiling. Throughout all this our only diagnosis is anxiety. Both his own primary psychiatrist and the consulting ER psychiatrist stressed they felt he only met criteria for anxiety/panic disorder. They say fits of rage and the running (from school only) are characteristics of extreme anxiety and emotional dysregulation. He does not have ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) because he does not meet the criteria as he has remorse for how he acts once back to baseline and he is never that extreme in other environments but school. He is too young to diagnosis bipolar. He is not depressed. I don't want my son to BE a diagnosis but I so badly want to know what his challenges are so we can help him.
After further discussion with his doctor we decided over the last week to wean off the sertraline as it has side effects of anger and irritability in children. We stopped the propranolol as it was doing nothing. He remains only on the Buspar. I do think the Buspar has helped some but it does not seem to last long in his system (he takes twice a day) and doesn't seem to matter if the switch flips in his mind and it then does nothing to keep him calm. I have noticed since being of the sertraline since last Thursday evening he has been more emotional at home, tearful, more sensitive, and sometimes just down right irritable. His sleep has been a bit off. Monday was another phone call of him falling apart with about an hour left in the day, luckily the school is aware of med changes and Jeremy volunteered to leave to get him before he escalates too much given we are not sure how the med change would go and he was already missing school if he wasn't at his baseline mentally. Yesterday, his brother upset him on the bus and he refused to get off, when they got him off at school he was extremely upset, pushed over a table and once again Jeremy had to get him, an hour into his day.
I am tired, I am sad, I am angry, I feel defeated. Not knowing every day I am working or away from my child if something will happen or that dreaded number will come up on my phone. Thank goodness I have a strong husband and we have a supportive family. Jeremy has been on the frontlines just as much as I have showing up to school only to see your son fall apart. The doctor told us the next step, if going back to school next week goes bad and we know the medication is out of his system, we will have to start him on Risperdal....an antipsychotic. This comes with risks to his long term health (diabetes, weight gain, heart problems, etc) and the fear that I will loose my son to a sedating powerful drug. While it may be his saving grace to help calm him enough to learn how to cope with his emotions it also has the potential for him to become "like a zombie for awhile" while he adjusts according to his doctor. I don't know the answer, I fear the future, I fear the present.
I have had to open up to some of my work family as I have had to leave suddenly during the day and have came and left work with tears over my son. Everyone has been so supportive. Work has been so accommodating. Family is constantly asking what they can do. The school is exhausting everything they can to try to support our son. The problem is , no one gets it who isn't living this. Its exhausting to share the details and as a mother there is shame. Shame in the sense that I can't fix my son, shame that I feel like I have to "fix" him, shame in feeling inadequate. Shame in seeing my own mind wander in the sadness throughout everything. I am so tired. I know he is tired. I know our family is tired.
Payton luckily has been holding up well, he still is the big brother who likes to mess with his little brother but then he is also the big brother who so badly wants his little brother to be okay and to help him. Luckily with how close have been working with the school they have been very supportive for Payton. I know he hurts but won't say, I only hope he realizes how special he is and he is the brother, not the parent. Thankfully Presley only being 3 also doesn't notice much. At home, things are pretty calm and normal. Which in that, I am thankful for. I am thankful for a husband who stays strong for me even when I know he is hurting. I am thankful he takes my feelings of everything being out of control and anger at the world over everything and tries to be my steady rock.
I know throughout all of this, our family will become stronger. We will prevail. As Parker says all the time to me " tomorrow is a new day", a statement his school tells him everyday, even when he has had major struggles. Every night my children kiss us goodnight, want to snuggle, and say I love you. That is what keeps me going. That and trying to educate myself to be the best advocate I can be for my children and their future. I am not sure if I will ever actually post this entry or if one day I will feel strong enough to. However it sure does feel good to get it out. I am going to try to continue to be positive every day, continue to watch my children grow, watch them participate in activities they enjoy and try to be the wife my husband deserves.
