A New Normal

I have had this blog for quite sometime now. It all started when I was on bedrest 8 years ago expecting our second child Parker. Payton was nearing one and Presley was not even thought of. Today Payton recently turned 9, Parker 8, and Presley is 3. Time flies when your having fun......and drags when your not.

So much has changed over the last several years. Heck, things have changed a lot. I started my job as a Nurse Practitioner in a busy family practice clinic. My husband started a business, we have moved many times and have been part of two schools for our children. This year was a major change for our family as we left a private school and enrolled our children into the public school system. Presley briefly went to the private summer school but recently this fall returned to her previous daycare. Jeremy and I work and between the five of us our schedules can be pretty intense.

Recently our most challenging times I feel is our present time. It makes me sad to even write about our struggles but I hope not only to be able to get it out in a way I can learn to cope with the stressors of today but also to hopefully look back and see our struggles are behind and our future is bright.

Our dear Parker. He is so smart, I mean really smart. He is so kind and inquisitive and all boy. I love it. He has always been passionate about everything. I mean everything. We used to always brush off his mini tantrums and emotions as just being Parker. So much so that I wonder had we missed something that we are paying for now? It all started in Kindergarten where we began getting phone calls by a (almost ready to retire) frustrated teacher of a class with more boys than girls and boys who were a handful. She kept saying he won't sit still, he won't listen, etc. I made excuses and got frustrated but kept moving on. That summer he went back to his old daycare with his siblings for the summer program and we had a pretty uneventful summer. First grade returned and we went thru the year with really not struggles, no major phone calls, no major concerns. We thought everything was fine. Come last summer, at the private summer program we were getting phone calls, messages, notes all about how he doesn't listen, how we was easily upset and had his feelings hurt and would walk away or try to hide. We also learned of some bullying he was being a victim to, including being locked in a ball closet by other children. It escalated so much so that towards the middle of summer he got upset at a child who was witnessed to have been picking on him that he lashed out and wanted to fight him, something we have NEVER seen in our son. They asked him to leave and not return for the summer. Luckily at the time our daycare where our daughter was at was willing to let us return for the remainder of summer. At that point we didn't feel like we had a home within the private school we had invested so much love and money into for our children. At this same time with the opportunity to move into the school district we wanted and to an acreage we knew it was a sign that we had to jump on it and move. So in a matter of a month our children switched summer programs, we enrolled them to start school in August in public school and we moved into our new home. A lot of change for all. The kids rode the bus from the before/after program at the daycare then were at. IT seemed that Parker started out struggling to fit into a bigger school, around more kids, stricter schedules and more adults around. He began crumbling in the afternoons, so much so that he would run outside to the playground to get away when he was upset but that only caused fear in the daycare that he was a liability and they asked him to leave and not return. In a matter of a few months two major systems in our life let us down and gave up.

Things have only continued. He has been on sertraline (zoloft) for his anxiety for well over a year. Never sure if it was working or not we continued it under our doctor's care. This year we even had propranolol added on twice a day to help him stay calm. Once again, not sure it did anything. We adapted everything so the boys could ride the bus from our home where Jeremy gets them on and grandma is here when they get off the bus. This has been great and is nice to eliminate the before and after care cost as well and cuts down on the stress for Parker. However, his days at school have only declined. He has progressively over the last month or so began having angry outbursts, tearful fits of anger and sadness, feeling like he doesn't fit in. He has tried to run away several times in the midst of his breakdowns and has also been very destructive to the school property when he is upset. This is not our son. This has never been our son. We live in a constant state of worry and personally a constant state of sadness wondering why we can't fix our child's problems. The thing that bothers me the most is that its mainly only at school. He has never been hurtful, aggressive, destructive or unsafe with us. Its only at school . The school has been amazing. We have so many resources. They are constantly trying to support our son at school and even at home. After the many phone calls and doctor's visits we were then prescribed a THIRD med to help our child stay calm and functionable...Buspar. This is for anxiety and is supposed to be a calming agent. With three meds on board things continued to escalate. I have been to the school twice to get him and intervene when they called in a panic and when I arrived he was in the safety/seclusion room. Something that still takes my breath away thinking back to those moments. Seeing your child crumpled crying in the corner of a small room is heartbreaking. Both times he almost instantly calmed on my arrival. Once again, not knowing how to fix it or lessen the trauma is a battle I fight within myself daily. Recently, with one of those times of being called and after he in a moment of pure anxiety and anger ran out of the building and across the street and only after being brought back inside having your second grader scream he wanted to die was the day we saw the look of true concern from our doctor (psychiatrist) and was sent to the ER thinking he would be admitted. To walk your child to the ER during a moment of true fight or flight mode internally (Parker) was devastating. Having three security guards help coral this 60 some pound child into the room and try to keep him calm was terrifying and exhausting. Feeling like a failure as a mother. Feeling as if I am powerless.....helping treat patients each and every day in my practice but unable to help my own son. Like always, in the ER after some time passed and even after he decided to make friends with the security guards were we sent home, he was no longer having thoughts of harm, was calm and smiling. Throughout all this our only diagnosis is anxiety. Both his own primary psychiatrist and the consulting ER psychiatrist stressed they felt he only met criteria for anxiety/panic disorder. They say fits of rage and the running (from school only) are characteristics of extreme anxiety and emotional dysregulation. He does not have ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) because he does not meet the criteria as he has remorse for how he acts once back to baseline and he is never that extreme in other environments but school. He is too young to diagnosis bipolar. He is not depressed. I don't want my son to BE a diagnosis but I so badly want to know what his challenges are so we can help him.
After further discussion with his doctor we decided over the last week to wean off the sertraline as it has side effects of anger and irritability in children. We stopped the propranolol as it was doing nothing. He remains only on the Buspar. I do think the Buspar has helped some but it does not seem to last long in his system (he takes twice a day) and doesn't seem to matter if the switch flips in his mind and it then does nothing to keep him calm. I have noticed since being of the sertraline since last Thursday evening he has been more emotional at home, tearful, more sensitive, and sometimes just down right irritable. His sleep has been a bit off. Monday was another phone call of him falling apart with about an hour left in the day, luckily the school is aware of med changes and Jeremy volunteered to leave to get him before he escalates too much given we are not sure how the med change would go and he was already missing school if he wasn't at his baseline mentally. Yesterday, his brother upset him on the bus and he refused to get off, when they got him off at school he was extremely upset, pushed over a table and once again Jeremy had to get him, an hour into his day.
I am tired, I am sad, I am angry, I feel defeated. Not knowing every day I am working or away from my child if something will happen or that dreaded number will come up on my phone. Thank goodness I have a strong husband and we have a supportive family. Jeremy has been on the frontlines just as much as I have showing up to school only to see your son fall apart. The doctor told us the next step, if going back to school next week goes bad and we know the medication is out of his system, we will have to start him on Risperdal....an antipsychotic. This comes with risks to his long term health (diabetes, weight gain, heart problems, etc) and the fear that I will loose my son to a sedating powerful drug. While it may be his saving grace to help calm him enough to learn how to cope with his emotions it also has the potential for him to become "like a zombie for awhile" while he adjusts according to his doctor. I don't know the answer, I fear the future, I fear the present.
I have had to open up to some of my work family as I have had to leave suddenly during the day and have came and left work with tears over my son. Everyone has been so supportive. Work has been so accommodating. Family is constantly asking what they can do. The school is exhausting everything they can to try to support our son. The problem is , no one gets it who isn't living this. Its exhausting to share the details and as a mother there is shame. Shame in the sense that I can't fix my son, shame that I feel like I have to "fix" him, shame in feeling inadequate. Shame in seeing my own mind wander in the sadness throughout everything. I am so tired. I know he is tired. I know our family is tired.
Payton luckily has been holding up well, he still is the big brother who likes to mess with his little brother but then he is also the big brother who so badly wants his little brother to be okay and to help him. Luckily with how close have been working with the school they have been very supportive for Payton. I know he hurts but won't say, I only hope he realizes how special he is and he is the brother, not the parent. Thankfully Presley only being 3 also doesn't notice much. At home, things are pretty calm and normal. Which in that, I am thankful for. I am thankful for a husband who stays strong for me even when I know he is hurting. I am thankful he takes my feelings of everything being out of control and anger at the world over everything and tries to be my steady rock.
I know throughout all of this, our family will become stronger. We will prevail. As Parker says all the time to me " tomorrow is a new day", a statement his school tells him everyday, even when he has had major struggles. Every night my children kiss us goodnight, want to snuggle, and say I love you. That is what keeps me going. That and trying to educate myself to be the best advocate I can be for my children and their future. I am not sure if I will ever actually post this entry or if one day I will feel strong enough to. However it sure does feel good to get it out. I am going to try to continue to be positive every day, continue to watch my children grow, watch them participate in activities they enjoy and try to be the wife my husband deserves.

The Dreaded Exam

On May 9th, I graduated from Allen College with my post-master's certificate as a Family Nurse Practitioner. In order to practice, I need to pass a national certification exam. I have scheduled the exam but am not telling anyone exactly when I am taking it. I am so scared of failing! I passed grad school with straight A's and had no problems there but since I have been doing all these review questions from test prep books I am failing them! From what I read people say the review questions are harder than the actual exam, however, I still feel like I am so not ready. But, I don't want to wait too long before taking it because I want everything to be fresh still. Ugh! I hate taking tests and am so glad this is the last one I will have to take! I have also had a job offer and they are waiting to do a contract until I pass my exam, but I haven't told them I have scheduled it yet because I do not want them asking me about it right away especially if I don't pass. So much stress I am so over it and ready for vacation!! Well, enough rambling, I better get back to studying!!!

Presley Jeanne Wilson

So I have been meaning to get Presley's birth story on here for some time but between being busy with graduation and adjusting to three kids it just hasn't happened. So, I write this now, Presley being 8 weeks old, seemingly like she has been here for ever yet at the same time still feels so new.

So let me remind you that with both boys they were delivered at 38 weeks and 5 days and came on their own with no inductions. Now sister here, had her own plans and wanted to out do her brothers already. I went to the doctor for my 38 week check and was only 1 cm dilated with very little effacement and the baby was still pretty high. At that point I was measuring 42 weeks  and the doctor suggested an induction a few days before my due date if she didn't make her arrival before then. Our doctor who knows me well, even said I doubt you will go much longer though even though things aren't very progressed because baby's typically follow a pattern and I had such similar experiences with the boys. He was even surprised I was still pregnant at that point with so many episodes of preterm labor in my history. So I went on my way and at that point I was still super busy with work and school. I was working 20 hours a week ( 8 hr and 12 hr shifts), school in Waterloo one day a week, and my clinicals at a family practice office two days a week with hospital rounds every Saturday morning. At this point even though I was huge and super uncomfortable I was okay with her going to her due date because if she did I would have completed all my clinical hours for graduation. The next week I went in at my 39 week check and there was no change so he decided to induce me on March 12, 2014, two days before my due date. He suggested that he would just break my water and see if I progress on my own at the induction and we agreed. The night before my induction we took the boys to supper and just spent a lot of time together savoring these last moments as a family of four. The next day we took the boys to preschool/daycare and headed to the hospital around 830. It was so weird to get up knowing I was going to meet our daughter that day and actually have time to get the boys ready and everything prepared. As unnatural as it felt, being that I have never been induced, it was nice at the same time planning wise. We arrived at the hospital and the doctor broke my water around 915 am. My contractions started and I began walking. Presley had meconium in her fluid so they kept me on the monitors pretty frequently to watch her. They decided around 1100 to start Pitocin to get things going related to her having the meconium (bowel movement inside that signifies that she could be stressed). After the pitocin was started the contracts sure kicked in. They then realized I didn't even need it and they turned the pitocin off and I kept contracting naturally. Around noon I got my epidural and my doctor was amazing. I felt great and was able to get some rest. Around 5 I sent Jeremy home with my dad to get the boys settled in with him and supper. At that point I was only 4-5 cmd dilated and was just trying to rest. After they left around 530 I told my mom I felt like the baby was coming. The nurse checked me and sure enough I was 10cm and the baby was ready to come. My mom frantically called Jeremy telling him to get back up here because the nurse was in a panic thinking the baby would be out in a few minutes, as with Parker I only had to push for ten minutes. My mom was unable to get ahold of Jeremy right away and luckily got ahold of my dad and told him to send Jeremy back up right away!   My epidural stopped working at that point so the anesthesiologist came back and gave me more meds and just sat with us to make sure I was feeling better. He was so sweet!  By that time Jeremy had made it back up to the hospital. The doctor arrived shortly there after and at that point I was so calm and actually told him I didn't feel like pushing yet and wanted to wait a bit. He agreed, knowing that I was adamant about calling the shots lol, and said let me know when you want to push and I will come back.  As Presley was coming down she turned her head sideways and got stuck. With the intense pressure every time I tried to push I threw up. The pressure from me getting sick turned her head a little each time. So all in all the puking was helpful but horrible! Once her head was back in position I only pushed about three times and there she was. She came out wide eyed and the doctor suctioned her right away and then there was that beautiful cry! They immediately laid her on my chest and I was so in love. I couldn't believe my daughter was here. They ended up letting me hold her nonstop for over an hour after birth. They worked around us. I snuggled her kissed her and just was in awe. I finally let daddy hold her and everyone else say hello. Finally after she was a couple hours old they took her and weighed and measured her and got her all settled. She was born at 7:44 pm and weighed 8 lbs 4 oz and was 20.5 inches long. She had lots of blonde/brown hair and bright blue eyes just like her daddy and brothers. She nursed right away and was so bright eyed for several hours while meeting everyone. It was amazing how it all worked out. I had really only intended on Jeremy and my mom being in there for sure and my sister if she got out of work in time. But not only were they all there, my 18 year old niece who is just so in love with Presley was able to be in there as well as my best friend Jammie who showed up as I was pushing. It seems like a lot, but it wasn't. It was great having so much support and sharing that experience with those who I am so close with. Shortly after she was born my dad brought up the boys and they were so in love! At first they were more worried about me and if I had owies but then they were over the moon in love with her and were so gentle and proud.

It is amazing how each baby and pregnancy is so similar yet so different. Both boys came on their own early, Presley had to be induced. I gained well over 40lbs with the boys but barely 20lbs with Presley, but with all three I measured huge! All three babies I went from 5cm to 10cm in under an hour and all three times I had sent Jeremy to go eat or shower and he had to race back up. I feel like our family is so complete and we are all in so much love with our newest addition. The boys have adjusted very well and are more concerned with helping and holding her than anything else. We are so blessed and she has added so much joy and love to our already amazing family. It took so long to get pregnant with her and so many struggles that it shows good things do come to those who wait and things always work out in the end. We love you Presley Jeanne Wilson!!

We Are Having A GIRL!!!!

So I have not updated this thing in so very long mainly because I am busy busy busy but also because I have been down right exhausted by the end of the day! I am 19 weeks with our precious little baby and had our anatomy scan today. We found out at 15 weeks (during an ultrasound to check cervix and fluid r/t history of preterm labor) that we were most likely having a girl and today it was definitely confirmed!!!! I am over the moon as I have been holding back my shopping urges until finding out for sure! Let the shopping begin! This little girl has been so different so far then the boys its amazing. I was SOOO sick for like 14 weeks with her and barely with the boys. I gained alot of weight early with the boys and barely any with her...although you wouldn't know by looking at me! During every ultrasound with the boys they basically cooperated today, this little lady did not want her picture taken and we even have to go back in a month to get more shots that they couldn't get today! She is head down, which can still change numerous times at this point, and was all curled up with her feet tucked up and hands in her mouth! It was so cute what pictures we could actually see due to positioning. However, when checking out her lady parts her legs were perfectly positioned :)

I have been having a pretty good pregnancy so far despite the early sickness and despite the one day of contractions that did subside they are just watching me closely. Since I had preterm labor with Parker I have monthly cervical ultrasounds to check length and although it has decreased it is still a good length. The only thing I have been complaining about lately is just being so tired. I sleep all night, go to bed way early and still am exhausted yawning all day. I mentioned it to my doc, chalking it up to my busy schedule with the family, school, and work but he did a quick finger poke and sure enough I am very anemic. So, easy fix, take a couple extra pills a day, and hopefully I will be gaining more energy! It just goes to show you can't just chalk up everything to just being pregnant. Hopefully I will be with much more energy soon!! I will leave you with a recent picture of me and our baby! Update soon!!

We Are Having a Baby!!

Finally!! I feel great to be able to tell everyone that we are having a baby! I officially announced it on Facebook last week after our first Dr apt where we heard the heartbeat but I have had no time to update this darn blog! I so wish I were better at blogging!

Our official due date is March 14th, and I am 12 weeks this week. I found out I was pregnant like right away because of all the months of tracking my cycle and being on fertility meds. I got a positive result at right under 5 weeks! So this has been so long to keep my mouth shut lol! The boys are so excited and constantly asking about the baby and Parker loves looking at pictures of babies in my pregnancy books, its adorable. I think when the baby comes they will be at great ages to be involved with everything, by then Payton will be 5 1/2 and Parker will be 4 1/2. Both boys even recently said they want a sister, I was blown away! I can't lie if I didn't say I would love to have a girl, but if it is a boy I know what to do with him, lol! This is probably last baby so I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy. Its been hard though because I literally was very very sick and exhausted from week 6 to 11, and couldn't eat and all I could do was go to bed. Thank goodness I am getting over it now because I start back up with school and clinicals this week and that is no time to be sick! 2014 will for sure be a busy year with the birth of our new baby, me graduating with my nurse practitioner degree, probably starting a new job thereafter and the ever busy schedule of my husband and boys!

Next apt with the Dr is later in September (19th) and at that point we will get an ultrasound to check my cervix and then discuss the possiblity of needing Progesterone Injections throughout my pregnancy because I had preterm labor/bedrest with Parker. I am hoping my ultrasound looks good because I really don't want to have to have a shot every week for the entire pregnancy, however, I will if it keeps this baby in where it needs to be!!

Phew, it feels so good to tell everyone our exciting little secret!!!!!! Pictures to come!

I promise.

I promise an update later this week. We have been so busy this summer and done so many fun things, I am working on one big post hopefully by the end of this week. So stay tuned!

Cycle 2

So, here we go on round two of Femara. I am starting at a bit lower dose because my labs were out of wack and have to take the pills one a day for the next five days. I hate how they make me feel and I can' t wait to where I can stop this already (as in just get pregnant NOW). Hopefully my side effects wont be so bad with the lower dose. So, once again. Here we go again!